Have you found yourself in a place where you are not happy in your marriage or in a relationship of any kind and just feel miserable? It may be that you feel that anything you say or do just doesn’t make things better or give you the results you are looking for or even wonder what happened.
The first thing is you need to look inside yourself and ask yourself, what is the reason you married your spouse? What was the initial reason and why has that changed or is not a priority reason anymore? What is holding your marriage together?
There are many people who simply stay together because of their religious beliefs that divorce is not an option or for the sake of their children. These can be good for a structure beam in your marriage but it should not be the foundation or the structure as to why you are still married. Both of these can leave you in a marriage where misery, hopelessness, and captivity seems to be the answer. If you are feeling that you are in this place something has shifted and it needs to be put back into order.
These may be some tough questions to ask yourself and to be completely honest. There are times that we ask ourselves questions but we do not answer truthfully. We answer in program mode or in other words how we have been taught is the right way of saying it. This keeps a person bound to the misery if they cannot speak the truth of what they really feel to themselves and to God. The lies become the chains and the fear becomes the reinforcement of the chains.
So what is the initial issue that has brought this valley of pain that you have found yourself into? A lie can come in through an unmet expectation. You lose hope in something that you look forward to and then your misery or disappointment becomes the sickness in your heart. Proverbs 13:12 (NIV) 12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
This lie that has rooted itself in your marriage can bring in multiple issues. These multiple issues can reinforce this lie such as betrayal, bitterness, anger, frustration, and many others. This digs you deeper into the valley of pain because it reinforces the vision that you see and even makes it feel that you may be correct in what you feel, think, and say.
The truth is this perception is holding you captive and draining you from your relationship from your spouse. It is also holding into captivity the hope of change. For this change to take place, you are going to have to look inside yourself first and allow the lie to be exposed so that you can see through new vision. You are going to have to let go of your unmet expectations and ask God for His expectations.
This doesn’t mean that because your marriage is falling apart it is your fault but you have a part to play. You are going to have to choose to live in reality-living and taking responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. You are going to have to look at your life honestly and not place the blame of your unhappiness on others.
When a person dwells on a myth of what they should expect based upon societies’ way of looking at it and not God’s it causes limitations to accept change. When you label your responses as “always” or “never”, it closes the door of opportunity of change. It brings a feel of hopelessness, uselessness, and a sense that the change is pointless. If one spouse believes that the other cannot change based upon past addictions or because of failed attempts then the hope has been drained. A hindrance on any vision to see the change as well as stopping the encouragement and support that the spouse may need to make the change will deepen your walk in the valley of pain.
When you are in a valley of pain, it is very hard to look at things in the correct way. You may even act out in retaliation to protect yourself from this hurt. Too many people gain the idea that if you do something that you will get the desired result and this is not the case. Your spouse is a person and not an object. They have a personality, desires, emotions, and frustrations as well. To get out of the valley of pain does not rely on if your spouse changes but if you change and allow God to heal you.
You do not have to stay a prisoner to pain or in the valley of pain. You can climb out by forgiving your spouse and seeking God for instructions on healing and how to do the rest. Allow the lies be exposed and walk in the Truth. Yesterday cannot be changed but you can live in the hope of the change that can take place today and what tomorrow will bring. Choose to take the steps to your healing instead of remaining in the prison of your thoughts of hopelessness that keeps you in the valley of pain.