Addictions is one of the top things that is causing many divorces to take place and is destroying the lives of millions. It is not a light subject. Pornography, alcohol, drugs, gambling, even the addiction of lying or addiction to eating doesn’t just destroys or break the person who is addicted but it also causes effects upon the person’s spouse and family.
One of the things that is not talked much about is how to live with a person who is working through an addiction and how not to allow it to destroy your life or cause you unnecessary pain.
One of the hang ups of working with a spouse who you find out has this addiction is to get as educated as you can on how to help them. Get a support plan in place with your church and those who you know will do what God wants to do and will tell you the truth no matter what. You are going to have to be healed and recognize that the healing process of addictions is not just for the person who is addicted but the spouse as well. There are things that you can do that can actually cause them to fall back into their pits by either enabling them or pushing them into that direction based upon your actions, reactions, and keeping a level head through the process.
It is the time where you must learn every step of love and the type of love you need to show and when. You will go through seasons of hard love, tough love, compassionate love, etc. You will need to know what language of love is the most beneficial and to be able to put to the side your own thoughts, feeling, and emotions for the best impact to get that person free and stay free just like Jesus did.
In the marriage vows, many people spoke for better or worse, richer or poor, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do we part. Those are true words of love.
You are promising that no matter what you are going to love that person all the days of your life. You are not promising to do it when it is easy for you, but just the opposite. You are promising to love them at their worst and whatever comes your way, you are right there to help them. So many times these vows are not followed through and the opposite is done.
Most marriages are ending because at least one person decides it is too hard and they don’t want to follow through with their promise anymore. When you follow God it is important to understand that a covenant, commitment, contract, or the likes is very important to God and He expects you to keep your word no matter the price.
Loving someone through an addiction can be one of the hardest times but also one of them most crucial times to love someone. It is one of those times you have to lay your life down to help another, so that they get what they need to get free.
The question we get asked a lot in deliverance is what about “me”? The other spouse goes through hurt, pain, rejection, fear, depression, anger, guilt, and consistent battles just at the person with the addiction. It is not an easy task to explain to that person that all those things has to be worked through and you have to put your own expectations, agendas, and see that the addiction is just like an illness and that you cannot expect a person with a broken leg to get up and just walk.
Can God cause this impossible task to take place? Absolutely. But most times it is a process. You would be patient with the spouse that was injured. You would make sure they have what they need and not nag them that they need to hurry up and get better because this, that, or the other hasn’t been done yet. You would not be concerned on what this would put a strain on you. You would just expect once they are healed they will take their roles. The addiction is no different.
The spouse suffering with the porn problems needs this kind of understanding. They need to be able to move forward because as long as they are stuck in the past or reminded of it, right back to the past they go.
The truth is you, by yourself, cannot heal your spouse. You can only be the one to assist and make room for God’s hand to move. They have to be the one to decide to get better. In the meantime, make sure you spend time with God, stay connected to church, get a battle plan from God, and stick to it. Don’t let the devil talk you out of your peace, out of your forgiveness, and do not go into a pity party.
That is one thing Jesus never did. He did not have a pity party. He not once said – what you are doing is hurting me or remind even the woman who had been with multiple men, about her past or speak any negative over her. No. He loved her and showed her the way with the Truth and in love.
Yes, it hurts to go through and battle an addiction that another is guilty of. But if you are serving God, you are able to hand it over to Him and have the greatest peace then you could of ever had. If you ever lose it, it is because you walked out of your peace in Him and got your eyes upon yourself. Realign your eyes on Jesus and what He wants you to focus on for that moment and you will see that Jesus will deal with the hurt and the pain. Your strength will be found in Him and together you can get through this as well as be strong for the family.