There is a video that my husband had found that was talking about not taking things personally, that it is not all about you, and when it is, how to verbalize without accusing. They asked a question; do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? And they ask what is the reason you take things so personally? For both things, I had to do some real soul searching and I found some very dark spots in there.
A lot of things happen in a marriage that may seem that all the fault points to one person. The same thing can happen just about a relationship you are involved in whether personally or professionally. But when you point that finger in their direction and do not look at the fingers pointing back, you begin down a dark spiral that you really do not want to go down.
This video has been an answer to prayer in more than one way, but one of those ways is, I have been asking God how I got to this place that I am at and how do I get back to the place I want to be with Him and get my marriage to the place He wants it to be at. The answer… it cannot be any longer about me. Sounds pretty simple right?
Things got really complicated for me about 2 years ago. I made some bad decisions, chose to believe lies, and they took me down a very deep valley that I do not want to go to again. I quit looking at how I affected other people. I only looked to what I perceived that I could lose, what I thought I could control, and lived in the fear of rejection, insecurity, and failure. I quit really searching myself and I started to look at what was going on with other people and focusing on how that has affected me and stopping from getting where I thought I need to be. I became completely self-focused. After all, I was the only one who could get me where God wanted me to be right? Wrong. Dead wrong.
Choosing to become self-focused really went against the grain of who I am. It really caused some damaging self-destruction of the character that God gave me and created me to be. I chose to allow negative people and words to convince me that I needed to be concerned about myself, how I was being treated, and it took me right away from the things I love – and almost completely cost me my walk with God.
For the longest time, I played the blame game. I could not see what I was doing wrong because I looked too much into what others were doing that I perceived that brought me to the place where I was. I could not look into the mirror and see my own mistakes. I was bleeding everywhere and unable to see the self-inflicted wound. I kept trying to clean up the blood but was unable to really find the source of the pain, the open wound.
Slowly with the help of God and those He has placed around me, I have been able to redirect my focus back on God and seeing the wound for what it is and where I went wrong in allowing the wound to remain.
I had and still have to own up to the things that I did wrong. It really doesn’t matter what others did and if it was right or wrong. What matters is how did I react, respond, and do what I was supposed to do. A lot of damage was done because I no longer looked at it just how it was affecting others.
I hit a place of defeat, discouragement, depression, and lost a whole lot of time and assignments along with mantles because I did not apply the things that I had been taught and knew. I decided to allow the situation and circumstances to override the Truth that God had told me. I decided to go with what I could see instead of what I was being told. I was completely run with fear and this only furthered me down my pit of destruction and isolation.
Along with this I also took my family, friends, and the church with me for the ride. Not a good place to be. Don’t get me wrong, I will be judged and have a price to pay for this experience that I walked down. It had a very expensive price tag that I wish I did not have to pay. However, I am grateful that God did not let me go and placed people around me that would be what I need at the time to see me get back up. For that, I am eternally grateful.
When I took my eyes off of the team of the church, my marriage as we, my family as we, my relationship with God as we and only thought about the “me, myself, and I” selfishness, coldness, and a separation of God’s presence took place. No matter what I tried to do in my own power to fix things it wasn’t working. And believe me when I say everyone seen it but me… it is the truth.
I became a very weak person who lost a sense of really who I was, what I stood for, and what I was capable of doing within the “Teams” of my life. I became exactly what I never wanted to become. I carried burdens, weight, and damaged myself and others, which affected not only my health but the lives of my family, church, friends, and those who were on the outside looking in. You become a person that you do not like and confusion, irritation, frustration, and hopelessness seems to rule your life. The enemy throws more and more lies that you take and choose to believe as the truth until you are completely suffocated to the point where you don’t know just what you believe and have you gotten to the place where even God no longer wants you.
It is not until, I took a step back and took my eyes off my own pain, sorrow, grief, and perspectives that I could even begin to see what others were saying. It was not until I put my focus back on God that He was able to show me how to get the “Teams” in my life before myself that I was able to feel that I was able to recover from this horrible fall.
I had a choice to make. Do I choose ‘me’ or ‘we’?
Choosing ‘me’ takes you down a very long and lonely road. You will feel cold, empty, and useless. You will only be able to see your own pain and live a life that God did not call you to live. Living in a life of me is a prison that will take you straight to hell. You will only be consumed with your past and all the things that have been shoved in the basement because it becomes the fuel that you use to trick yourself into believing that you are doing something to get better.
The Truth… if you are not doing it with God, you are not doing anything to get better, but instead, you are walking or peddling in place.
Choosing ‘me’ you will lose family, friends, and souls for the Kingdom of God that God chose you to help bring to Him. It is a life of isolation and shame, misery, and guilt. You never heal and you only continue and further the path of destruction to all those around you and yourself.
Not choosing ‘me’ doesn’t mean you ignore things that happen to you. It just means you chose to give them to God and let Him take care of it. You do not react or respond based on “you”. Instead, you turn your focus on God and partner with the Holy Spirit and choose to see the full picture of what is going on.
When you choose ‘we’, you gain the strength to overcome, to move forward, to see the sun still shining. You can begin to feel God’s love and presence all around you. Your praise and worship will begin to spring forth again from your heart. You no longer look at anything to lose but choose the path of obedience to God because it is what keeps the ‘we’ together. God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is the first ‘we’ team you should have in your life. You get unity back into your life and things will come back together as it should be.
Once you get this ‘we’ team with God into the right place, then take a look at your relationships. Take the ‘me’ out of your marriage and choose to be a ‘we’. Let the unity form again. You will be able to start building the bridge to overcome the gaps that have been made. Allow the things you do to come from a place where you take a step back and look at how does it affect you as a “team of we” and not just you. You may be surprised at how much of a difference this one step, this one decision can make. Restoration can begin by taking this step forward. There is hope.
Remember you do not have to do this alone. God wants to be a part of your ‘we’. He wants you to be ‘team’ with Him. He also has placed people around you that will help you and be a ‘we’ team with you as well, and if you don’t, ask God to help you find it. God is right there to help you every step of the way. It has to begin somewhere. All you have to do is ask God. Surrendering to God, trusting God will be the important and selfless thing that you could do, that will bring the greatest joy and bring you alive once again. If the ‘me’ remains then trust and surrendering to God does not. Make the right choice today to be a ‘we’ and not a ‘me’ and completely turn your life to God and watch and see how the ‘we’ team is a life worth living and your marriage will become a marriage worth fighting for.